Listen

Because I guess I’m on this “quotes that have changed my life” burst, another quote that has always spoken to me was “The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” – Ram Dass. I obviously don’t know who Ram Dass is, but I remember watching this TV show as a kid (because television is where I have acquired most of my knowledge) and seeing this monk who took a vow of silence. There was a particular character who was obsessed with figuring out why the monk was so silent, and I’m not sure how they segued into this quote, but it left an imprint on my brain forever.

I’ve just always felt like I talked way too much, and I always regret not taking the time to listen more to the people around me…and I mean actually listen. There were probably some amazing stories I’ve missed out on, ways to get to know my friends and family better, and fights that maybe didn’t need to be fought.

I’m doing my best to be the person that listens. You know, the kind that can make you feel like you’re the only one important even in a crowded room. In all honestly, I love being heard myself so I want to strive to hear other people too.

Since I’ve started this whole “listen more” journey, I’ve heard some of the most amazing stories of my life. Have been there for my friends more than I was, and have become more compassionate and overall less angry towards other people. People will amaze you, and I continue to be amazed by the people around me everyday. I love stories about overcoming hardships, stories about their family, friendships, and love. I love understanding why people do what they do, and what made them the person they are today. I love compassion and kindness, and seeing people smile when you take the time to listen. 

Here’s a reminder to myself; to love people, just as God does, and to take the time to listen and understand. God, I want to hear more.

Scare Yourself

A quote that has always resonated with me ever since I heard it was by Eleanor Roosevelt, where she says to “Do one thing every day that scares you.”

I’ve always been guided by my anxieties and fears. I wasn’t the shyest kid around, but I also was never the first one to jump into a room full of strangers. I’m definitely an introvert equipped with many…many insecurities.

Upon looking back at my life, whenever I had to face what I thought was an impossible task for me, and actually do it. I start to realize that it actually wasn’t that scary, and lo and behold I’ve become stronger for doing it.

The first time life really freaked me out, was when my mom involuntary signed me up for summer camp. I had no other friends going, this camp was a couple of hours away from home, and it was ten days long. I immediately told her that I absolutely was not attending this camp, and she coerced me by some mom voodoo magic. All I remember was begrudgingly complying and before you knew it I was on this bus to, what I was sure of, was hell. The bus ride was a couple hours long, and aside from a camp leader, nobody else bothered to talk to me or sit near me. It seemed like everyone knew everyone, and I was the odd one out. I even remember entering my cabin and hiding back tears.

You know what? I was the odd one out. All the other girls in my cabin were friends from previous years. There were a couple of new kids, but I was the only new girl. I hated it for a couple of days. I hated playing these games with kids I barely knew, and doing things I’ve never done before. But I made friends, and I actually started to find things I enjoyed and looked forward too. Jumping in the lake at seven in the morning doesn’t seem fun but it was this fun little ritual we all had to suffer though. Canoeing, kayaking, camping in the woods, archery, rock climbing and even sitting by the fire and singing camp songs, were all things I’ve never experienced living in the city, but I found out I actually really really enjoy. (My mother can’t know I actually had fun k?)

After the ten days, I was actually really sad that it was all over but I was glad to get home. I look back on these camp memories with fondness, and remember the fun and innocence of being a child. They are memories I wouldn’t trade for the world.

I feel like this a fundamental thing I’ve always had in my head, but haven’t actually applied to my life as much as I want to. I know that I can’t let fear hinder me from doing what I need and want to do. I know I can’t let my anxiety get the best of me, because I know that there is a world of experiences and life I want to go out and live. Sometimes my mom, or anyone isn’t out there to help push me, and I have to push myself.

So this is a reminder to myself. I’m telling myself that it’s ok to be scared shitless sometimes. I need to pursue that career I’ve always dreamed about. To talk to people, and to not be afraid of who I’ am. To stop pretending that I have it all together, and ask for help when I need it. To want what I want and not be ashamed of it. To fail and to actually start living a life worth living.

find me

Finally drained of all his anger, he whispered, “what are you searching for? because it clearly isn’t me."

Late night reading = late night thoughts

But giving to other people is what makes me feel alive. Not my car or my house. Not what I look like in the mirror. When I give my time, when I can make someone smile after they were feeling sad, it's as close to health as I ever feel.

Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back.

― Tuesdays with Morrie

(This book has sat unfinished on my shelf since high school. All I remember being quite bored with the beginning chapters, setting it down, and then completely forgetting about it all these years. Maybe it's because the book wasn't relevant to me then, but it's definitely the book I needed to read today...and a friend and I were just discussing how funny books can come into your life when you need them the most. Fate?) 

I've been thinking about how dissatisfied I've been lately with the path I'm currently on, and this aching search my soul is on. I understand that I really don't have much to complain about. I' am blessed. But why do we tend to brush off our own problems just because we believe maybe someone else out there has it worse? We are all allowed to feel pain, and nobody should have to suffer in silence out of fear that their concerns are not “valid” enough. 

“Saying someone can't be sad because someone else may have it worse is like saying someone can't be happy because someone else may have it better.” – unknown 

Aren’t we all just trying to be happy? I feel this nag in my heart, and I know that I was built for something more…to offer the world more than what I looked like, and more than what I can accumulate. 

I know it isn't a mere coincidence that I picked up Tuesdays with Morrie, and How To Live a Goodlife were recommended to me. I know that God has called me to live for more than just myself. 

I haven’t figured it all out yet… I haven’t even begun to understand myself, or where to start or what to do. I just know that this is the beginning of my pursuit.

The current song in my heart

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity