Listen

Because I guess I’m on this “quotes that have changed my life” burst, another quote that has always spoken to me was “The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” – Ram Dass. I obviously don’t know who Ram Dass is, but I remember watching this TV show as a kid (because television is where I have acquired most of my knowledge) and seeing this monk who took a vow of silence. There was a particular character who was obsessed with figuring out why the monk was so silent, and I’m not sure how they segued into this quote, but it left an imprint on my brain forever.

I’ve just always felt like I talked way too much, and I always regret not taking the time to listen more to the people around me…and I mean actually listen. There were probably some amazing stories I’ve missed out on, ways to get to know my friends and family better, and fights that maybe didn’t need to be fought.

I’m doing my best to be the person that listens. You know, the kind that can make you feel like you’re the only one important even in a crowded room. In all honestly, I love being heard myself so I want to strive to hear other people too.

Since I’ve started this whole “listen more” journey, I’ve heard some of the most amazing stories of my life. Have been there for my friends more than I was, and have become more compassionate and overall less angry towards other people. People will amaze you, and I continue to be amazed by the people around me everyday. I love stories about overcoming hardships, stories about their family, friendships, and love. I love understanding why people do what they do, and what made them the person they are today. I love compassion and kindness, and seeing people smile when you take the time to listen. 

Here’s a reminder to myself; to love people, just as God does, and to take the time to listen and understand. God, I want to hear more.

Scare Yourself

A quote that has always resonated with me ever since I heard it was by Eleanor Roosevelt, where she says to “Do one thing every day that scares you.”

I’ve always been guided by my anxieties and fears. I wasn’t the shyest kid around, but I also was never the first one to jump into a room full of strangers. I’m definitely an introvert equipped with many…many insecurities.

Upon looking back at my life, whenever I had to face what I thought was an impossible task for me, and actually do it. I start to realize that it actually wasn’t that scary, and lo and behold I’ve become stronger for doing it.

The first time life really freaked me out, was when my mom involuntary signed me up for summer camp. I had no other friends going, this camp was a couple of hours away from home, and it was ten days long. I immediately told her that I absolutely was not attending this camp, and she coerced me by some mom voodoo magic. All I remember was begrudgingly complying and before you knew it I was on this bus to, what I was sure of, was hell. The bus ride was a couple hours long, and aside from a camp leader, nobody else bothered to talk to me or sit near me. It seemed like everyone knew everyone, and I was the odd one out. I even remember entering my cabin and hiding back tears.

You know what? I was the odd one out. All the other girls in my cabin were friends from previous years. There were a couple of new kids, but I was the only new girl. I hated it for a couple of days. I hated playing these games with kids I barely knew, and doing things I’ve never done before. But I made friends, and I actually started to find things I enjoyed and looked forward too. Jumping in the lake at seven in the morning doesn’t seem fun but it was this fun little ritual we all had to suffer though. Canoeing, kayaking, camping in the woods, archery, rock climbing and even sitting by the fire and singing camp songs, were all things I’ve never experienced living in the city, but I found out I actually really really enjoy. (My mother can’t know I actually had fun k?)

After the ten days, I was actually really sad that it was all over but I was glad to get home. I look back on these camp memories with fondness, and remember the fun and innocence of being a child. They are memories I wouldn’t trade for the world.

I feel like this a fundamental thing I’ve always had in my head, but haven’t actually applied to my life as much as I want to. I know that I can’t let fear hinder me from doing what I need and want to do. I know I can’t let my anxiety get the best of me, because I know that there is a world of experiences and life I want to go out and live. Sometimes my mom, or anyone isn’t out there to help push me, and I have to push myself.

So this is a reminder to myself. I’m telling myself that it’s ok to be scared shitless sometimes. I need to pursue that career I’ve always dreamed about. To talk to people, and to not be afraid of who I’ am. To stop pretending that I have it all together, and ask for help when I need it. To want what I want and not be ashamed of it. To fail and to actually start living a life worth living.

find me

Finally drained of all his anger, he whispered, “what are you searching for? because it clearly isn’t me."

Late night reading = late night thoughts

But giving to other people is what makes me feel alive. Not my car or my house. Not what I look like in the mirror. When I give my time, when I can make someone smile after they were feeling sad, it's as close to health as I ever feel.

Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back.

― Tuesdays with Morrie

(This book has sat unfinished on my shelf since high school. All I remember being quite bored with the beginning chapters, setting it down, and then completely forgetting about it all these years. Maybe it's because the book wasn't relevant to me then, but it's definitely the book I needed to read today...and a friend and I were just discussing how funny books can come into your life when you need them the most. Fate?) 

I've been thinking about how dissatisfied I've been lately with the path I'm currently on, and this aching search my soul is on. I understand that I really don't have much to complain about. I' am blessed. But why do we tend to brush off our own problems just because we believe maybe someone else out there has it worse? We are all allowed to feel pain, and nobody should have to suffer in silence out of fear that their concerns are not “valid” enough. 

“Saying someone can't be sad because someone else may have it worse is like saying someone can't be happy because someone else may have it better.” – unknown 

Aren’t we all just trying to be happy? I feel this nag in my heart, and I know that I was built for something more…to offer the world more than what I looked like, and more than what I can accumulate. 

I know it isn't a mere coincidence that I picked up Tuesdays with Morrie, and How To Live a Goodlife were recommended to me. I know that God has called me to live for more than just myself. 

I haven’t figured it all out yet… I haven’t even begun to understand myself, or where to start or what to do. I just know that this is the beginning of my pursuit.

The current song in my heart

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Therapy Session

I mean, I think sometimes people they confuse what I'm doing
I write about life, I write about things that I'm actually dealing with
Something that I'm actually experiencing, this is real for me
Like this is something that personally helps me as well
I'm not confused about who gave me the gift God gave me the gift
and he gave me the ability to do this
And he also gave me this as an outlet
And that's what music is for me When I feel something, whether it's anger
Um, it's a passion about something, or frustration Like this is where I go
this is, that's the whole nfrealmusic thing man
This is real for me, I need this, this is a therapy for me
- NF


I think it's so weird how, considering my last post, this song randomly plays on Spotify for me.

Diaries

My aunt Raquel bought me my first diary when I was about 10 years old for Christmas. It was blue, sparkly and had a lock and key attached to it. When I opened the present she told me that when she was about my age she loved writing in a diary and I should try it out. I remember being ecstatic about my little diary, and the fact that I could write all my secrets down while having them hidden and kept safe from prying eyes. I remember my first ever journal entries being about which celebrity boys I was currently crushing on (Orlando Bloom & Jeremy Sumpter hello), my best friends and enemies, and whatever issues a pre-teen could possibly have.

I started writing as often as I could. The rest of my family caught on to my new found hobby, and I started receiving more and more of them for Christmas. In high school I still wrote in my physical journals, but I loved writing online on live journal as well.

As I was cleaning my room up today I found a couple of old diaries, and naturally I started flipping through them and reading a few passages from my past. I'm immediately filled with many different emotions...mostly embarrassment at how immature I am, but there many great happy memories that come back to mind, like when I received my first guitar in 2007, and many sad ones as well. It's crazy to see how far I've come, and how my maturity level has really progressed over the years (though I would still say I don't feel like an adult at all still).

Even though I have to fight the urge to rip up and burn my old diaries because of sheer embarrassment, I'm reminded that my past is what made me who I am today... every horrible memory, every embarrassing situation, and every joy is a memory worth remembering. I've also realized that my aunt Raquel gave me more than a diary that Christmas. She gave me a way to clarify all of my puzzling emotions, a way to understand myself better, a way to remember my past, and a way to release all my thoughts and express myself.

There are so many times where I felt so confused, depressed, and hopeless. Journaling, writing down all my feelings without reservation and fear of judgment from anyone really helped me figure out exactly what I was going through, and it helped me cope with all the jumbled mess in my head. It's helped me more than I realize, and even though I know I'll probably be embarrassed by all my diary entries 10 years from now when I read it over... I won't ever regret journaling it all.

Writing has been and will probably always be my therapy.

Hell

I know I'm not the only Christian out there who has been threatened by the horrors of hell by another Christian for not obeying God's law. I've heard the salvation message preached where the focus is so much on the whole "it's a place where the fire never ceases and the worms never die!" etc etc part of hell, and it always ends with them asking the question, "Well which one will you choose...heaven a beautiful place or hell with its endless torment?" I always find that with this approach to salvation, you can get either response. The one where they're fearfully accepting the Lord just because they want to save their own behinds from this endless torment, or one where they just pretend to accept God and secretly think all Christians are clinically insane.


Back in 2011 (I can't believe it's been that long) I went to the Chicago Awakening Conference by Jesus Culture and I remember Pastor Banning preaching about our relationship with God. He talked about how if our relationship with God was based on fear, it will never last... but a relationship with God based on love will. That message will forever stick in my heart and it really has changed my whole perception on it all.


This was my first revelation about hell and salvation. God was about more than scaring people into accepting Him. The more I learn about Gods character and spend time with Him, the more I realize that God is always good. I know that He as a good Father, would never scare His children into loving Him. 


The second revelation I had was during a conversation with a couple of friends. A friend was talking about a book he was currently reading by Francis Chan, and he had said that Francis asked a question somewhere along the lines of, "If God were in hell, would you love Him enough to go there with Him?" It was a question made to challenge your true intentions for being a Christian. Do you really love God? Love His presence? or are you just afraid of God and going to hell? Do I love God so much that I'm willing to do anything for Him? Am I willing to die for Him? I was really convicted of my "fearful" mindset that night and it's another moment in my life that will forever mark me.


I know that for any type of self-improvement to happen and growth in my relationship with God, I need to ask myself those hard questions that are easier to avoid. The truth of the matter was, is that I was afraid. My walk in the Lord consisted of me just trying to be a "good" Christian. You know the type. Don't commit those "big sins," don't curse, be nice to people, listen to Christian music. If you do sin... ask for forgiveness right away or else. I was tip toeing around God, crossing my fingers and hoping that I didn't sin, and not realizing that God can see through any facade, and looks straight into our hearts. I didn't want to be punished. I didn't want my church to judge me. There was just so much fear in my relationship with God, and the Holy Spirit really convicted me that night. Yet another night to mark me, and change my whole life.

Side note: Can I just stop for a moment and give God the praise and the glory? Through it all He has never given up on me and is constantly challenging me (in the best way possible), constantly teaching me, and constantly lavishing his mercies and love on me. 

The last thing I realized is that the worst part of Hell, is God is not there. He can't make it light and bright, because He is the light. He can't put beaches and make it beautiful, because He is the creator of everything that is beautiful. Hell is a place where God does not reside, and it's a place that really really sucks. I know that in the bible, there are crazy depictions of what hell looks like and it does suck. I mean who would want to live in a place forever where your endlessly tormented, and worms never die? 

These past few weeks I'am going through the toughest time in my life, but out of this season I know God is working in me and creating something beautiful out of it all. I'm also realizing that no matter what is happening in my life God is always good. When I remind myself of who God is, I know that a good Father would never sit on His throne and throw people in hell because He wants too. "These people didn't accept me? Ugh... I hate them... Because you don't want me I'm going to make the worst place I can think of and throw them in there!" Common... does that really sound like a    good Father to you? It sounds more like an evil abusive spouse. 

The reason why He talks about it so much in the bible is because He wants to warn us. He doesn't want us to go there. He doesn't want us to be separated from Him, because in Him there is life. A Father will never want death for their children. Everything he says in His word about Hell, it's not to scare us into accepting and choosing Him. He says it because He just loves us and wants the best for us, and He knows that He is what's best for us. 

He gives us endless opportunities to choose Him in this life. God will never force anyone to choose Himself. It's why I never feel right about scaring people into salvation. If we don't want Him here on earth, why would we want to be in heaven will him forever? In heaven we will always be with Him. We'll walk side by side and see Him face to face. 

I know that this question gets thrown around a lot in the world and it's, "if God is so good why would he threaten me with hell into accepting Him?" I for the longest time was stumped on this question, but I just want to say that God will never threaten anyone or choose Him. Knowing that God is good and knowing how much God loves us, I know that love never threatens and coerces. It goes against His very nature to do so. 

The reason for Hell is because it's simply where the people go that don't want to be Him. Satan was the first one to go there because He didn't want to worship God. The people on earth sadly who don't want to spend time with God forever, go there. If you don't choose God now, why would you want to spend an eternity with God in heaven? 

I remember having a friend in high school who would joke around about how in heaven he'd be sipping alcohol on a beach with tons of girls around him. It just goes to show you how twisted people think heaven is like... because that's not what heaven is like. 

Heaven is a place where God is 24/7. It's His home. It's the place He wants us to enjoy with Him forever. There is constant worship and praise to God. It never stops. Every tear is wiped away and there is joy forevermore with God. 

Everything God does flows out of love for us. He is love and He is incapable of evil. God is always good. I want my walk with Him in this life to always flow out of my love for Him. I don't want to be afraid of God. I just want to walk with Him and be in His presence. He is my Father, and with Him is where I belong. 

Don't let this world and the devil twist who God says He is. It took me years to learn this about God... and for years I questioned God's goodness because of the "fear hell and torment" message I've always heard. 

I know that a lot of people are living their walk with God in fear, but I just pray that I help spread the message of God's goodness, mercies, forgiveness and His love. There is never fear in love. I want to make a change in the way people perceive God, because I know that God is so good, He is such a loving Father, and I just want people to experience His love and presence.

To see people choose God because they just love Him...
this is real salvation. 

Self-Improvement

The best project you'll ever work on is you

I can overcome negativity

I can overcome shame and guilt

I can overcome hate

I can overcome because He has overcome

I want to do better…be better

I want to love people like You have loved them

Lord, change me from the inside out 

Our Engagement Shoot

Seeing all the pictures laid out like this really made me cry... I honestly can't wait to marry you Edward. Thank you for making all my dreams come true. I love you.

Photos Taken by: Whitney Heard Photography | Taken at Edward's Garden