The Wedding Pressure

Edward and I are getting married in 56 days. Can you believe it? We've been dating forever and now that we're getting married soon it seems almost surreal. I'm definitely grateful for the past but looking forward to our future together.

Last Wednesday Edward and I had our engagement shoot, and I was thinking about how stressed out and anxious about it we were. I believe we're relatively positive people (or we try to be) and I really don't like being anxious about anything, but it came out of this crazy pressure and desire for everything to go perfectly. We kept talking about how we'll look at these photos for the rest of our lives (like we'd never ever take couple photos together again or something), and how our kids one day will see us. We wanted our outfits to be perfect, our bodies, our faces, everything to be so perfect in the end I think it made me go a little insane.

We got a taste of a couple of the photos we had received and even though there are some amazing shots in there, there are also a couple of photos I wish had gone a little bit better. Like, I wish my arm wasn't placed like that, that I lifted my chin a bit (to get rid of that ugly double chin), or that I had worked out more and lost more weight. The list could go on, and it was the same for Edward. Instead of being happy and grateful that we have some amazing photos to cherish, we focused on the bad shots and criticized every lump and bump.

It's the same with our wedding. We want our wedding to go so perfectly that it hurts. We've been waiting this day forever, and we just want everything to go well. We want our guests to enjoy themselves, we want to make lasting memories, and look back at gorgeous photos. I mean who wouldn't want that? I feel like somewhere along the road I got lost in this need for perfection. I don't know if society is to blame for this extravagant wedding trend, but after looking around on Pinterest for a couple of minutes I immediately and subconsciously start to question my own wedding choices and start getting anxiety about the whole thing.

I feel like it's human to want things to go perfectly and to have that "dream" wedding, but I definitely need a wake up call from it all. I don't want to be anxious and stressed out at all about this wedding, and I want to be laid back about it all. I'll do my best to make it an amazing wedding but if things don't fall into place and it isn't exactly how I "pictured" it to be (thanks Disney), then I need to learn how to make my peace with it all.

There's a life lesson in all of this for me. J. Cole in his song Love Yourz (which ironically is a song that came on my spotify playlist this morning), says that "there's no such thing as a life that's better than yours." Thanks J.Cole! The message is loud and clear...be grateful Mariah for everything. Stop comparing yourself and your engagement & wedding to those Pinterest ones. Your wedding will be great and Edward and you will have an amazing time and make amazing memories. There will always be a "better" wedding or there will always be the "could of" and "should've" moments...but whatever. It will all be ok.. Stay positive. Stay happy.

There is so much to be grateful for and happy about. Edward and you are together and you guys love each other. That's all you need to make a wedding beautiful. 





lol.... writing is my therapy and I love writing myself into a good mood. 

Trusting in the Lord

Every time I’ am going through a tough time, I re-read the book of Job. I just love his story, and I never fail to be inspired and encouraged by it. This man was highly regarded and had everything he could possibly need or want, and he lost everything. Through it all he never sinned against God, and still choose out of his suffering to praise God.

Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped.

And he said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

And naked shall I return there.

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;

Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.

Job 1: 20-22

Ideally I’d love to be on a beach somewhere, drinking from a coconut, and reading a good book, but I’ am not. Instead I’ am here struggling to make ends meet and still looking for a stable job, which honestly is something I though my diploma would help out a lot more with. I’ am not trying to be negative, because there is so much in my life to be thankful for, but I can’t admit to life being exactly the way I want it right now. Life isn’t easy. I know I probably haven’t even gone through the worst of it and I find myself getting angry with God sometimes that my life doesn’t “look” the way I want it to look. It sounds so ridiculous saying it but I’ am so mean to God sometimes.

The truth of the matter is, is that God never changes.  He is the same yesterday today and forever. I know that God is always good, and that part of Him will never change. What ever God decides and whatever God does is good. There are times when I don’t understand what’s going on or why things are happening the way that they are, but I need to remind my soul of who God is and the fact that He is good. He is a good Father. I always want to strive to have that Job attitude no matter what comes my way. I want to be able to say, “God you give and take away…but still Lord I will bless your name.” I won’t speak ill of you. I won’t curse you. I’ll love you no matter what, even though I don’t understand. Please, give me that peace that surpasses understanding.

Now it’s time to get out of this funk I’m in. Stay positive. Take heart. God is good, He will deliver me, and He is always worthy of praise.

Love Came Down by Bethel Music

If my heart is overwhelmed

And I cannot hear Your voice

I'll hold on to what is true though I cannot see

If the storms of life they come

And the road ahead gets steep

I will lift these hands in faith I will believe

I'll remind myself of all that You've done

And the life I have because of Your Son

Love came down and rescued me

Love came down and set me free

And I am Yours I am forever Yours

Mountain high or valley low

I sing out remind my soul

That I am Yours I am forever Yours

Warning: This is a boring babble about my reignited love for books

I used to read a lot as a pre-teen and teenager, and then somewhere along my college years I stopped reading for pleasure. I specifically remember my mom buying me the Hunger Games series in college (before all the movie hullabaloo), and as I was reading it I thought to myself, if I was going to read, it should be my textbooks. I closed my book and started studying. I think in my college years, I’ve only read a handful of books for actual enjoyment.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a really hard time sleeping. It was so hard to actually function in the outside world when you’re sleeping at four in the morning and waking up extremely tired. I was on my laptop one night, online window-shopping and etc. for a couple of hours when I realized that I was wasting a lot of my time doing absolutely nothing and realized that maybe all the technology use before bed was hindering my sleep. I picked up a book from my bookshelf and it was a book I’d previously read a long time ago, and it was The Catcher in the Rye. Ironically this was one of those books I read in college, but not for college. I immediately transported into the world of this little book, and after reading it, I started craving more books. I also want to mention that I had an amazing nights sleep that night.

I’ve since then began a book-reading binge and am reading constantly. I’ve so far after Catcher in the Rye, completed The Valley of Amazement by Amy Tan and K.A. Tucker’s Chasing River. The only thing I hate about reading is spending money on them. I could go to a library to read books, but when I was like 8 years old I didn’t return a ton of library books and have been afraid ever since then to go back and get a new library card (guilty confession).

I thought that I could start putting up quick book reviews here, and since there is nobody reading this but myself, they are for myself. I read mostly fiction, and sometimes I’ll read the occasional Christian book or inspirational self-help book. Science fiction and fantasy books are what I love reading the most, because I’m a Harry Potter kid. Actually, Harry Potter is what got me into reading the first place. I remember being so excited for each book, and the countless number of times I would re-read each book in elementary school and high school.

I do want to step out of my comfort zone a bit. My aunt gave me Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth a while back. It was my first historical fiction kind of book and I really did enjoy it. For this year, I want to start reading more in general, but more books I wouldn’t normally pick up. A friend of mine recommended a couple of Humour/Comedy books so I definitely want to pick that up because I’ve never even dipped into that world. I should just make a list…

Here’s my list so far:

• World Without End by Ken Follet – It isn’t a series after Pillars of the earth but it follows the same years after, so I thought I would enjoy it as much as I did Pillars. I actually just bought it today

• Bossy Pants by Tina Fey – A recommendation by a good friend

• Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari – Another recommendation by said friend

• Burying Water by K.A. Tucker – I didn’t know she started a series and I read Chasing River without reading the first two books. I don’t think it would really matter though because the story line doesn’t continue like a series would. 

• I want to finish the Mortal Instruments Series because I read the first two a couple of years ago, but there are like 4 more books? So I guess the one I’m to read next is book 3 – City of Glass by Cassandra Clare. It’s ever since I finished book 2 years ago, been bothering me that I haven’t finished the series. The first two books were good but eh, I feel committed to finish them.

I think I’ve already got a handful for now. If you're having a hard time sleeping, try reading for an hour before bed instead of using your tech stuff.